Those Fabulous Fifties--contributed by Dorothy Jane Ball Staudenmaier

Our Age Gauge--contributed by Charles Greene

Burma Shave--contributed by Stanley Metikosh

Clean Cute Comedy

Oldies but Goodies

On Aging--contributed by Joe Sammartino

Kennywood Park Quiz--contributed by Phyllis Grayson Tansky

U Thrill Me--contributed by Jack Brenner

DO YOU REMEMBER

Turn on your sound and click on this

A Great Seniors Page: SENIORS

THE OLD DAYS. My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. 2. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli. 3. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring). 4. The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system. 5. We all took gym, not PE----and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. 6. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. 7.! Flunking gym was not an option....even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym. 8. Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system. 9. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. 10. I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway), but they did give us couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. 11.Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. 12. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. 13.I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. 14. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. 15. Oh yeah...and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! 16. We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction site! s and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. 17. We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse--and no 911) here too, and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home. 18. Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas. 19. Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. 20. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house, instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck. 21. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? 22. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive? AMEN

Old man and a Punk
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him.
The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Yunz are from Picksburgh if: You didn't have a spring break in high school. You walk carefully when it is "slippy" outside. You often go down to the "crick." You've told your children to "red up" their rooms. You can remember telling your little brother/sister to stop being so "nebby." You've gotten hurt by falling into a "jaggerbush." Your mother or grandmother has been seen wearing a "babushka" on her head. You've "warshed" the clothes. I ask you to hand me one of those "Gum-Bands" you actually know what I'm talking about. You know you can't drive too fast on the back roads, because of the deer. You know Beaver Valley, Turtle Creek, Moon, Mars, Slippery Rock, Greentree and New Castle are names of towns. (and you've been to most, if not all). A girl walks up to three of her girl friends and says, HEY YENZGUYS You hear "you guyses," and don't think twice. (Example..."you guyses house is nice") You know the three rivers by name and understand that "The Point" isn't just on a writing instrument. Someone refers to "The Mon" or "The Yough" and you know exactly what they're talking about. You remember the blizzard of 1994 (or 1976, or 1939, or...) and remember not being able to go outside because the snow was over your head and you would have suffocated. Someone starts the chant, "Here we go Still-ers!" and you join in in the proper cadence. Waving the appropriately colored towel. Bob Prince and "There's a bug on the rug." hold special meaning for you. You've either eaten a Farkleberry Tart or know someone who has. You drink pop, eat hoagies, love perogies and one of your favorite sandwiches actually has french fries ON it. By the way, dgyeat yet? You know what a "still mill" is. You expect temps in the winter to be record breaking cold, and temps in the summer to be record breaking hot. You know what Eat'N Park is and frequently ate breakfast there at 2:00 AM after the bar closed and made fun of people. You order "dippy eggs" in a restaurant and get exactly what you wanted. You spent your summers, or a school picnic, at Kennywood, Sand Castle, or Idlewild. You've been to the Braun's Bread Plant or Story Book Forest for a school field trip. "Chipped ham" was always in your refrigerator when you were growing up. You refuse to buy any condiments besides Heinz unless a Pittsburgh athlete's picture is on the side of the container. Franco, Roberto, and Mario don't need last names and you can recite their exploits by heart. Your last name has 8 or more letters in it (and you either have a 'Z,' 'U' or a 'ski' somewhere in there) and nobody can pronounce it. And oft times, even if your name has fewer letters, folks still can't pronounce it. Food at a wedding reception consists of rigatoni, stuffed cabbage, chicken and a cookie table. You'll send this on to family and friends who used to live in the Pittsburgh Area as well as to those who have never lived there, just so they can appreciate how different western PA really is! I wonder how many of Yunz guys actually understood all dat? Some folks just don't get dem things....n at....

Lisa Beamer on Good Morning America - If you remember, she's the wife of Todd Beamer who said "Let's Roll!" and helped take down the plane that was heading for Washington, D.C.

She said it's the little things that she misses most about Todd, such as hearing the garage door open as he came home, and her children running to meet him. She's now the Mom of a beautiful little girl, Mary.

Lisa recalled this story: I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there. With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Class is over. I would like to share with all of you, a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important

"Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is the Powers way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day."

Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to make me a promise. From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see, it could be a scent, perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground.

"Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the 'stuff' of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at anytime it can all be taken away."

The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester.

Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook.

Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot, or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do.

" Remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

02/09/04--REMEMBERING--I just found a radio station in a town where we used to live (not far from Gettysburg) that plays nothing but 50's and early '60s music. Original recordings! It is amazing how many songs I can sing along to as I drive around. I never realized that I was memorizing those songs way back when. And a big plus - you can understand the lyrics on those records. Laurel Davis Woods

REALITY CHECK--As a kid, I can remember observing, in amazement, the number of pill bottles (prescriptions) that older adults were taking. I can remember thinking to myself "that's crazy, I'm never going to do that." Here I am, after reality finally set in, not necessarily taking much in the way of prescription medications, but just the same, I am taking a boatload of vitamins, and supplements, everyday--LOL. Footnote: I can remember reading the statistic, that, although the United States has only 5% of the world's population, we consume something like 60% of the world's drugs.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to just get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!! People under 30 are WIMPS.
"LIVE EACH DAY LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST...SOMEDAY YOU ARE GOING TO BE RIGHT"

STORY WITH A MORAL
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick, to getting out of the well, is to shake it off, and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

REMEMBER THESE FIVE SIMPLE RULES TO BE HAPPY:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and kicked the hell out of the farmer who had tried to bury him, and then bit him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the hell out of them too for helping.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

The Benefits of Growing Older (and you thought there weren't any) ;-)
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You have great friends who think of you often and send you lists like this!

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY...... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you. Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I LOVE you & cherish our friendship.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"

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Another sad ending to the football season has brought out the "Boo Birds" This received from one of our Steeler Fans (can you blame them?):

Be careful not to speed in Pittsburgh; the police are handing out Steeler tickets.

Q: What's the difference between the Steelers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: What do you call 47 people watching an NFL playoff game on TV?
A: The Pittsburgh Steelers.

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Steelers?
A: O.J. Simpson at least had a defense.

Announcement from public address system at Heinz Field: "Will the parents who lost your eleven kids here at the stadium please come get them? They are beating the Steelers 14-0."

Q: What do the Steelers and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do the Pittsburgh Steelers and Billy Graham have in common?
A: Both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell, "Jesus Christ!"

Q: How do you keep the Steelers out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Why was Bill Cowher upset when the Steelers playbook was stolen?
A: He wasn't finished coloring in it yet.

A Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin---POST 9-11: (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent ...and so very appropriate.